Fuck SCU.

This place is a shithole no matter what I try to do. A money-vacuum shit hole. FUCK. *sigh* well tomorrow it's another trip to settle a score with the devil bursar. In the mean time I guess I need to write my essay about Charles fucking Darwin and how he insulted some Evangelist.

I'm ready for this week to be over.

Suffering in Silence

Well, I'm an idiot, LOL. Today, a really great person went out of his way to come see me. Being so completely self-absorbed, I never thanked him. All I did was bitch about how I wanted to go home...when he wouldn't let go of my keys cause he wanted to hang out and make his trip to see me worth while. This was also the person who left his webcam on all night when I was scared of an episode of Cake Boss and couldn't sleep. This person is so good to me, and means the world to me. I wish I could be the same for him... *sigh* I hope I can make it up to you somehow, honey :(

I miss you...what's up?

Wasting Energy

Feeling sorry for myself.

I don't want to live at home anymore. So full of tension. One minute you think everything's okay and the next you're staking out in your room, bursting for a pee and too scared to walk out into the fucking landmines of cranky sleeping Asian adults. I'm waiting for the heaters to turn on to mask the cacophony I make down the damn hall to the bathroom. All so I won't disturb them. Fucking endearing.

crazaaayyy

I had the house to myself all day today.
The first thing I did was get out of bed and turn up some music. Then I danced my way downstairs for a spot of brekkie, danced my laundry into the washing machine, then moonwalked back upstairs to the study room...it was a fucking party xD.

I dunno where this energy boost came from...but I hope it lasts for the duration of finals week...or at least the end of the day so I can pull through 3 exams and an 8 page paper.

PHEW... these next few days are gonna be a massive shit in the hole.

meh.

Spring Forward?

Fall backward.

It's almost 10:00 and I still have a 7 minute presentation to prepare for tomorrow morning.

Fuck...

I've just been so tired lately; not just physically, but emotionally drained, mentally fried...

I got to see my bf today. During church, I snuck out and met him in the parking lot in his car. I had 3 minutes with him before my parents would miss me, so I curled into a little ball in his lap in the back seat of his car and just started to cry. I'm sure he didn't notice, and I didn't really want him to. There was just so much I wanted to tell him--about my life, everything that's been going on but it didn't seem like the right time or the right situation...
Maybe it was just the relief of being with someone who doesn't mind seeing me like that. Whatever it is, I love the bastard.

He stayed for an hour after his mass was done so he could see me for three minutes.

When I came to cheer him on at his badminton scrimmage at overfelt, he invited me to go with him and the team coaches/ captains to in n out. I wanted him to drive the both of us...but I didn't realize that he'd have to come back for his car and then go all the way back home.He had a physics midterm the next day, too, and he didn't even say anything.

I bitched at him that day.

At incendio III he drove all the way to oakland on top of lion dance practice + TN stuff to be with me; even if it meant he'd have to help out with E-team, etc for the most part.

I was cold and he gave me his jacket for the whole night, and held me even when I was irritable, awkward and smelled funny.

I could write so much more, but fuck... I have to work on this presentation.

I choose you, Peter Chu <3

ART HISTORY.

If you catch my drift...

I do these things to keep me sane sometimes

I'm really really proud of it, LOL. And I had so much fun making it.

Mornie Utulie

These fishes in the sea they're staring at me

It's not like nobody cares. I just shut them out and make it look like it's their fault.

Pride is a bitch.

It's incredibly tedious and exhausting to wear a mask for every person in your life. Your parents, your school friends, your pretentious classmates, your church friends, your boyfriend, your relatives...

So why the fuck do I do it.
I don't take criticism very well, and I have this obsession over the need to be on good terms with everyone. That's fucking endearing.

It's hard to tell who I can be myself around now. With all these masks,though, it's honestly really fucking difficult to tell who "myself" is. It's like in Legend of Zelda when Link is in the forest temple, and the Poe's make copies of themselves and you have to single out which one's real. (???)

Maybe I stopped growing up the day I made my first mask. It was probably when I did something really bad and tried to cover it up. Coming clean would have been the mature thing to do, right? But fuck no. I made mask after mask after mask after mask...

"Myself" is probably still the same chicken shit little girl who wouldn't admit to getting a D on a fucking 3rd grade crossword puzzle.

I don't like "myself," but "mask-lady" is a fucking try-hard. She's the bitch I don't want to be.

So I guess tonight (or this morning) I'm taking off one of my masks..the mask to myself...finally, a trace of honesty. I feel lighter already.

**LOL*** Masquerade. Sounds like a retreat theme. I'll run it by someone later.