Fix me.

I won't let you turn around
And tell me now, I'm much too proud
To walk away from something when it's dead

If only I got paid to just do what Julie does. Sing, dance, act, cook, draw, paint, read...just everything. It sucks how I'm being forced to learn the crap out of one thing and do it the rest of my life when I love to do so much more. It makes me feel like a statistic. I'm a piece to a forever unfinished puzzle. I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown-- I'm having a mid-life crisis at 18. Fuckin' heinous.

This world is too big for me, but at the same time, it feels too small. Like what the inside of an asian parent's narrow mind would look. Or like the clockwork of a machine; efficiently packed gear to gear. And I feel like the loose screw.

Guess my only hope is to win the lottery. Fuck me.

Pick me up.

The rush of dopamine left as quickly as it came.
Whenever I'm in leadership, I feel like I belong; like I matter. I'm active, I'm articulate, and I'm happy...
But whenever I set foot in this godforsaken place with its godforsaken money-leeching programs...I'm timid, self-conscious, and afraid.
I don't like it...everyday I'm afraid of something.
I'm afraid I'm not going to pass chemistry, I'm afraid of my parents' disappointment, afraid of not being good enough.
In this place, I feel confined; desolate. I want to find a family here...I need someone to understand my views on life and the world, and won't condescend me for it. Most of all, I need people to encourage me to leave this dead dream that I'm trying to keep up, and tell me how to do it without hurting my family.

I'm so tired...I just want it to end. I don't think a week-long holiday will make it any better...I don't think a 3-month holiday would do much either. I want it to end. I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I need help.

Purpose.

God, what a day. And what beautiful people. This is why I'm here.
Life just rocks.

The world is showing its true colors.

Pure brutality.

No empathy, no compassion.

If this is where the world is headed, count me the fuck out.