In huge ways, I love being at the age where I begin to develop my own ideals and beliefs. I don't know, I find that I'm starting to deviate from the "conformist" ideas that I've grown up with-- success is the main goal of life, education is the only path to that success, and your happiness depends on the stability of your paycheck.
First of all, I don't understand what my parents believe success to be. My mom tells me time and time again how her sisters are obsessed with money and she doesn't approve of their materialistic lifestyle at all. Why, then, does she pressure me into getting the highest-paying job she can think of? Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be a pediatrician... I love kids and I'm pretty good at science, but I lack the dedication. And I'm guessing that's because it's not something I truly want to do.
What I wanted from being a pediactrician is the experience; working with the children, and being a part of their lives...like being a half-parent to 30 kids. I wanted to help people. But these expectations from the work, the tests, the grades, all this technicality thats taking away from the purpose.
Maybe that's why I "lack discipline" or "don't take what matters seriously." But, honestly, "what matters" is what my parents think matters--their definition of "success"; and it's starting to take a toll on my mentality...why do you think people feel as if they fail in life? Because they don't meet their parents' expectations. So now I feel like I'm only working to please my parents; but it doesn't seem to be working. My scores can't please them, and I feel, to be blunt, fucking miserable.
The only break, and ultimately, a true purpose in life that I get from all the talk of math class, SAT scores, GPA, college applications is Leadership. Leadership is pretty much the satisfaction that I wanted out of being a pediatrician-helping people. But after a brief "talk" with my mom earlier, I found out that "if my grades start dropping, leadership is done." So, basically, my happiness is going to be bartered away for my "success." Excuse me if I'm wrong for calling that bullshit.
*sigh* I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss having a normal conversation with my parents; something that has nothing to do with school or my future or whatever. I'm sick of being put on the guilt trip of "your father and I work so hard just to see you do well in school" or "your father and I don't work so hard to see you get B's in school" as if I didn't care how hard they were working. I see my dad come home everyday sick and exhausted from working two jobs, and I see my mom wake up at 3 everymorning to go to work. They don't realize how bad I feel to ask them for anything. But I just hate that the only way I can make them happy is to bring back a good report card.
But they have to realize that I can't spend my whole life trying to please them; they've given me the foundation...but now I need room to grow.
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